letting go.

I knew having another child would bring it's own set of challenges. I knew that sleep would revolve around his schedule, most meals I would eat for the first couple months would be cold (and with one hand), my house would be messier, and that projects I've had planned in my head would have to take a back seat. I was okay with all of these things because I knew our home would be filled with more love than we thought possible.

I did not realize that this sweet boy of mine would sleep less than his 3 year old sister, would come out of the womb already teething, set his schedule of never going to bed before midnight, or need to be held, walked and bounced 75% of the time. The amount of time my arms are free is close to none. I pictured Penelope and I playing on the floor while Hank sat happily on his rug, but nope, that's not how it goes. At all.

Penelope and I did manage to steal a minute for ourselves last week. Hank actually slept, so we made banana bread and sat down to do our own activities. I started a new hat for Bruce and Penelope colored and traced things from her book. It was beautiful. I thought if these moments happened every now and then, I would be happy. Our moment was cut short when I went to the bathroom and checked on Hank in the other room. When I arrived back in the sunroom 2 and half minutes later, Penelope had joyfully informed me of how she 'cut the tail' for me. My mouth dropped to the floor when I realized she had pulled out my scissors, cut the working end of my yarn and pulled out quite a few rows of stitching. Those precious moments I had just had to myself, enjoying each stitch I had made, were gone. I tried to pick up all the dropped stitches but there was just too many. 

(the hat before it met it's demise)

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't really going to cry over this, was I? But I did. Penny just smiled, patted my back and said "It's okay mommy, just be happy, ok?". I had to laugh a little, and told her I was just fine. But it hurt. It hurt letting go my expectations. I should have known! Babies change everything, I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. I guess not.

(I put him down for a moment just to get some pictures of them together. He cried as soon as he left my arms. Sorry for snapping away anyways, bud).

This week is a new week with it's own set of challenges and I'm just focusing on letting all of my expectations go. If I get to eat lunch today, I will be happy. If the pile of laundry on my dining room table gets even an inch shaved off of it, I will be happy. If I can read a single page of a book, I will be happy. If my mom comes over and comments on the state of my house, I will smile through the pain and anger, and know it's because I've been caring for my children. Penelope has been adapting well, realizing I might not be able to get on the floor and use both hands to zoom her train around, but I can nurse Hank and read her a book at the same time. I can take her outside and watch her run. If she can adjust, so can I.