This year I've really been working on letting control slip away. It's not that I feel like I need to be in control of everything, it's just that my anxiety flares up when I feel completely out of control. I get cranky and rude. It's just ugly. One big thing is driving. We were a one car family for many years, and I drove everywhere. The only time I let Bruce drive was either when he got really upset and I felt bad, or on vacation. Bruce has his own truck now but I still drive almost everywhere when we go in one car as a family. I never realized how much it affected him until we had a blow out argument a few months ago. My rational self though, how ridiculous is this? All I have to do is let my husband drive, and it would make him feel so much better. My anxiety said nope, you can't do it, it'll drive you crazy. I've been battling that feeling ever since but I've had more good days than bad. We've been taking quite a few trips to Oklahoma City since Bruce has started the application process for the fire department, and I've only driven once (simply because he took his truck as well to get the tires replaced there). It's felt so free. I've gotten knitting projects started, was able to sit back and think, deleted precious space on my phone (so many blurry pictures!), and just enjoyed myself. Of course I still had moments of sheer panic, but I'm kicking myself for not trying this sooner. It feels good to let go.
Sometimes I find it weird I have these control issues. I'm the lady who has her kids at home, I've faced a 3 day labor before, and my kids have both been very 'late'. I've spent plenty of time sitting around and waiting for them to be born. I'm nearly 37 weeks now, patiently waiting to see when this little girl wants to join us. I couldn't tell you why I don't mind not being in control of this at all. I have learned to trust my body and my babies, that they will come when they want to and my body will know what to do. When the birthing process is over, and my baby is in my arms, I feel so empowered knowing I let things happen on their own and everything worked out (plus the rush of giving birth is probably the best drug ever, I wish I could bottle that feeling). I hope I can transfer feelings of surrendering to birth over to other situations in life, since this is more than likely the last time I will give birth.