one month as five.

Delilah was one month old on the 14th. Our new normal is finally settling in. I no longer panic when Bruce leaves for work, the pile of dishes in our sink no longer exists, and almost all the laundry is caught up. I even managed to mow the front yard yesterday. I'm sort of feeling like superwoman.

our girl.

Delilah Pepper Alexander, 8 lb 4 oz. Born on April 14th at 11:36 p.m.

We are so glad our baby girl is finally here. She was born at home, in our bed, under a full moon. It was beautiful. When I get time I will type out her whole birth story so I can remember all the details. For now, we are soaking her up.

waiting.

I'm 11 days overdue. This is not unusual for me, but it doesn't make the waiting much easier. I've cleaned the house multiple times, scrubbed baseboards, organized her clothes and diapers, finished knitting projects, and answered a million "is it baby time yet?" phone calls. I'm running out of things to keep me distracted. 

yesterday. 41 weeks + 3 days.

I finished another Pebble vest for baby girl. I actually finished knitting it a couple months ago, but left the ends poking out and forgot to add buttons. I finally completed it the other day and then worked some more on this kicking bag. I had been hoarding this lavender colored yarn for years, it's a soy/cotton blend and so, SO soft. It's a nice knit for watching Scandal (which I am still crying over because next week is the season finale) and great for doing something when I feel like doing nothing. 

While I patiently (or unpatiently) wait for baby to arrive, the other two are really finding their own. Penelope has taken a huge interest in golf which has made Bruce the happiest man on Earth. She had little interest before and all of a sudden she can hold a club correctly, hit the ball and get it off the ground. Hank loves being outside and digging in the dirt, thankfully it's warm enough to do it almost every day now. 

The redbuds and stinky trees have bloomed. I call them stinky trees, but I'm almost positive they're Bradford Pears, but they smell terrible if you get too close. We have this redbud in our front yard and it makes me incredibly happy to look at every single day. But now they're slowly starting to loose their blooms and grow leaves. And my baby still isn't here. My spring baby! I'm thinking she is just waiting for summer to show up. Sigh. Back to waiting..

control.

This year I've really been working on letting control slip away. It's not that I feel like I need to be in control of everything, it's just that my anxiety flares up when I feel completely out of control. I get cranky and rude. It's just ugly. One big thing is driving. We were a one car family for many years, and I drove everywhere. The only time I let Bruce drive was either when he got really upset and I felt bad, or on vacation. Bruce has his own truck now but I still drive almost everywhere when we go in one car as a family. I never realized how much it affected him until we had a blow out argument a few months ago. My rational self though, how ridiculous is this? All I have to do is let my husband drive, and it would make him feel so much better. My anxiety said nope, you can't do it, it'll drive you crazy. I've been battling that feeling ever since but I've had more good days than bad. We've been taking quite a few trips to Oklahoma City since Bruce has started the application process for the fire department, and I've only driven once (simply because he took his truck as well to get the tires replaced there). It's felt so free. I've gotten knitting projects started, was able to sit back and think, deleted precious space on my phone (so many blurry pictures!), and just enjoyed myself. Of course I still had moments of sheer panic, but I'm kicking myself for not trying this sooner. It feels good to let go.

Sometimes I find it weird I have these control issues. I'm the lady who has her kids at home, I've faced a 3 day labor before, and my kids have both been very 'late'. I've spent plenty of time sitting around and waiting for them to be born. I'm nearly 37 weeks now, patiently waiting to see when this little girl wants to join us. I couldn't tell you why I don't mind not being in control of this at all. I have learned to trust my body and my babies, that they will come when they want to and my body will know what to do. When the birthing process is over, and my baby is in my arms, I feel so empowered knowing I let things happen on their own and everything worked out (plus the rush of giving birth is probably the best drug ever, I wish I could bottle that feeling). I hope I can transfer feelings of surrendering to birth over to other situations in life, since this is more than likely the last time I will give birth. 

wednesday, in pictures.

When I woke up last Wednesday the first thing I did was pick up my camera. I started taking pictures, and a few hours later decided to take pictures for the entire day so I can figure out what exactly it is we do all the time (of course, every day is different, but really where does that time go?).

9:30 // we climb out of bed. Bruce stayed in the bedroom with the kids while I threw breakfast together. Bruce had to be at work at 11 on this day so breakfast was fast. The kids ate toast and bacon, dad ate this quick scramble of eggs with veggies we already had cooked that I threw in. He's the only one in our house who likes scrambled eggs. Fried or poached is the only way the rest of us enjoy them.

10:00 // we all start moving around. One of my resolutions was to make the bed every morning once we were all up, but Bear loves getting cozy after everyone has left. So I let him sleep. And snuck in some cuddles.

12:00 // Dad has gone to work, the crazy has set in. I washed one of Hank's wool covers while he discovered he could climb into the bathroom sink and turn it on (thank goodness for Penny's "baby alert" calls). He also destroys some puzzles and manages to pull off his diaper. Little boys are something else.

1:00 // Instead of finishing up some chores I had to do, we filled up little sister's drawers with her clothes and diaper covers. I'm so, so excited for April to come. Except we are pretty sure she is not going to have a name. That's a whole different post.

1:30 // We play. We laugh. We have fun. This was a good day, except when Hank fell off the couch after I took that top photo. He is still rocking the bruise from it.

The next few hours we went to Target to pick up some snacks for a road trip and to visit my grandma. The camera stayed at home.

5:00 // Hank finally naps. Penny and I pull out her new art set from Christmas, and we test out the watercolors. Note: they are terrible and we should invest in some higher quality ones, because she really does love watercolors. I avoid the pile of laundry on my table. It isn't going anywhere.

7:30. Dinner has been made and eaten (leftovers, they were boring and not photo worthy). We made gluten-free brownies for dad. Silly to even call them gluten free, they are the best brownies I've ever tried. Snap a quick photo of my growing belly. 

8:45 // Dad is home! We aren't excited or anything. The kids went to bed about an hour later and we got to settle down into our own adult time. It was a nice day. 

my semi 52 week project.

This is me trying to take more pictures. Trying to get completely comfortable with my camera again. Trying to capture my children since they tend to grow overnight. I saw a lot of people do this last year and thought it seemed so hard. But why? It's once a week!

Hank ::: I don't know what he was upset about. But that pouty face breaks my heart. You can bet I went and scooped him up, just not before snapping a picture.

Penny ::: we got this organizer a few weeks ago with some baskets for their toys. Mama needed a quick pick up, and we can just pull a basket out and let them go to town on it. She decided this one is a rocket ship, but needed to be bigger for her co-pilot (brother).

Ideally I would like to get pictures of the one in my belly once a week as well. I am going to be gentle on myself though and focus on getting pictures of the two that are running things around here. Maybe next week baby #3 will make the cut. 

rebuilding.

New year, new start. 2013 was not my year. I didn't even realize it until it was almost over. I'm almost positive I had some post partum depression I was not dealing with, then added on hormones from a new pregnancy and, well, that's some ugly stuff. I was not a good mother or wife, and I'm not proud of that. My marriage hit a rock at the end of December which made me wake up and realize how terrible I had been acting. Ever since then though, things have been great. The fog has been lifted. I'm seeing clearly now and everything is completely different, in the best of ways.

My goal for this year is to focus on rebuilding. Rebuilding my relationship with my husband, with my kids and myself. Rebuilding our life and focusing on being happy, despite whatever bad things the new year could bring. 

I have a few small goals for the year:

>> Give birth to a healthy baby.

>> Be patient. Use every situation as a learning opportunity to gain more patience. 

>> Get outside every day for at least 10 minutes. It's hard during the freezing temperatures and 100+ heat, but completely doable.

>> Keep up with my cleaning schedule, but forgive myself if things simply do not get done when I expect them too.

>> Make my husband and marriage a priority. I have a hard time letting go to time to myself and leaving the kids, but it's a change I have to make.

>> Don't yell. The dog eventually stops barking, the 4 year old stops being a pain, and the baby eventually sleeps. Yelling makes it worse. I must remember that.