stumbling.

I am not a graceful person. In any aspect of my life. Especially this parenting gig. I find myself stumbling a lot as they get older. Their needs are constantly changing and it's a job in itself to keep up with it all. Sometimes the tension builds up. My voice is not always calm and I am not always understanding, despite wanting to be so badly. It can end ugly. Tears from everyone and just a sour mood. Or, I can let it go. I can simply let it be and take it for what it is: a learning process. It's much easier said than done, but once I let everything go, it really feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I hope I remember this next time we have an off day.

I woke up before the kids so I could go through pictures from recently and now I can't stop smiling. These small moments are worth every ounce of pain. The third one down, of Hank and our dog, that was a frustrating moment. I was trying to take pictures of Hank since he was 9 months old and Bear kept playing with him. Then Hank kept crawling away. I finally gave up trying to get him to sit how I wanted him too, and the moments that followed were beautiful. A boy enjoying his dog is a wonderful thing. 

here we go again.

top: Penelope and I right after she was born

bottom: Hank and I right after his birth

I have two amazing children. They had equally amazing births, both at home but both as unique as them. Penelope took her time, days in fact, and quietly entered this world to stare up at me first thing. She is my slow one who takes her time in everything she does. She is careful. I've never worried about her shoving something in her mouth that she wasn't supposed to. We didn't bother covering up the electrical sockets, because she stayed far away from them. She didn't talk much at all until she was 2, then she started as if she had been doing it her whole life. I think she was waiting until she knew she had it perfected. She is my careful, calculating one.

Hank on the other hand is so different. He is my all or nothing guy. He's happy, but then he is not, and he is vocal about it. He came into this world much faster than his sister. The pain during my entire labor was much, much more intense. It only took a handful of pushes to get him out. He was crying before he completely left my body. He didn't want to nurse at first, then when he wanted to he was on there for a good 45 minutes. I had to pull him off so I could get up to use the restroom. It's true he is the happiest baby I have ever seen. He smiles at anyone and everything. But if he is tired or, heaven forbid, I leave the room, he lets you know about it. There is no middle ground. He is much more fearless than his sister too. Everything goes to his mouth and he pulls up on the most unstable things (on it has wheels? let's stand up there!). 

I love them both to pieces. I love seeing how different they are, trying to figure out their own individual needs. I feel like I'm just now getting the hang of it. I thought that these two might be it for me. I wanted more, but Bruce didn't want to try for another. He always said "if it's meant to be, it'll just happen". I thought that was just a bunch of bull. I guess not, because it did just happen.

A third and (presumably) finale sibling will be here in the spring. I am so excited to be able to add another person to our family and learn all of their quirks and personality traits. I am excited to go through the birthing process all over again. I am happy Penny and Hank will have another best friend. 

But I will admit I am scared. We got pregnant back in July 2011, and lost that baby at 11.5 weeks. The fact that this baby and that one have the same due date has me slightly freaked out. Part of me thinks I am doomed, while the other part thinks maybe this is just another way to help me heal. I will finally get my spring baby (as long as nothing goes wrong this time either, but everything seems to be just fine). We were also not planning on having another one so soon. I had to laugh at all the people who said "oh I didn't know you were trying for another!". There was no trying involved, just one night of not really caring and my extremely fertile uterus. My first reaction to seeing those 2 lines was "but I already have a baby!". Bruce's reaction was "how did that happen?!" (needless to say it clicked for him quickly, we didn't have to have the birds and the bees conversation). 

The fact is our kids will be close. I will not have to unpack my cloth diapers and nursing bras, because they're still in use. I will not have to mourn the loss of sleep since Hank still wakes up multiple times a night. I will get a chance to tandem nurse. We will have another baby to share our love with. We will have another son or daughter- and that is the most exciting thing in the world.

life gives you want you need.

(I really do believe that statement. Even when things are terrible and never seem like they're going to get better, the experience leaves you with a wealth of knowledge. I might be one of those people who needs to believe it, and that's okay with me too).

I've been in a funk the last couple weeks. I haven't felt completely like myself or motivated at all. Plans we've made are so vague right now. Bruce has been in the processes to get onto the fire department, but we learned if he makes it through his final interview the academy doesn't start until next fall. That's a lot of waiting for two impatient people. Money is tight too, which just exacerbates any situation. I had another babysitting gig lined up, something I felt I needed to do since I quit last year when Hank was born. A few days ago I found out that wasn't happening. It was hurtful in the way I found out, since the person didn't bother to call me at all yet told a mutual friend, and I dwelled on it for days. It did me no good. The realization finally hit me last night that I should just pursue what I've always wanted to do, which is photography. I have to get over my socially awkwardness to talk to people, though, and quit doubting myself. Two very big things for me. It makes me anxious and want to shut down just thinking about it, but I know it's what I need to do. That realization came after some other big news that made me completely snap out of my rut, but I'll share that at a later date. I'm not quite ready yet.

These pictures are from Sunday night. I was hesitant to leave the house the other night, it was getting late and the kids were tired, yet Bruce insisted we go down to the river to see some friends. I was sure I would be annoyed and want to leave immediately. Turns out, it was just what I needed. I was able to relax, enjoy being outside (without getting eaten alive by mosquitos), and the kids were fantastic. Funny how that happens.

before the storm.

The pictures for this post would of had a different title, except it stormed last night and ripped my poor yard apart. We went outside the other night after dinner and fought through the heat and mosquitos to really enjoy the evening. I haven't been taking a lot of pictures lately, so I took my camera out and snapped away. It felt so good. I miss it.

(I didn't realize the slide was so close to the trash can. Oops. At least it was mostly empty).

Hank was there too, just hiding behind mama.

These pictures make me happy. It was a good evening. But that trash can that snuck into the picture and those tall, beautiful sunflowers? Knocked over. The corn Penny planted in the front yard was leveled too. The slide? Slammed into my new car. Yes, a new car! (A Mazda 5 that I really love. Enough room to grow it but still feels like a car and not a dreaded mini van).

Luckily the slide didn't do any damage to the car. It just looks really messy outside. My garden in the back might be a goner. A piece of siding fell off the house on to my herb but they're fine. The corn/lettuce/squash is just flattened. I'm hoping my zucchini will bounce back, it looks the best of all, but the corn is just broken. I don't remember it ever storming that bad in the summer. I'm the only one of my friends/family with power that I know of, and for that I am so thankful. I will take pictures of the aftermath today to compare. 

Now I'm off to finish sewing the blanket I started for Hank awhile ago. I can never finish these kinds of projects before my kids are born. Yet, they do get done eventually. 

welcome, summer.

I'm just now realizing this blog has been collecting dust since April. What in the world happened? It doesn't feel like it's been that long.

We are now deep into summer here in Oklahoma. Hot days with thick, humid air. It's not pretty. I took the kids to my grandparents house yesterday and we arrived as a big, sweaty mess. And yes, my car does have air conditioning. And the drive was only 2.5 miles. But the heat is so oppressive, you just can't escape it. It cools down some in the evening, but the mosquitos come out in droves. It's cruel.

We've still been having fun this summer. My mom bought a swing set for her yard and had Bruce and his dad put it together. That was almost a disaster, but it finally got put together and someone is pretty happy about it. (Note to everyone: don't try to put together a swing set in 100 degree heat or have your father-in-law help if he is anti-instructions. It's ugly). We've been to the aquarium, on movie dates, and spent plenty of time exploring on the slightly cooler days. 

We've also been dreaming a lot. When a dream hits me, it sucks out all of my energy until I feed it. We're making changes to plan for the future we want, we've had multiple nights of staying up until 4am talking it out. I can't explain the feeling of your spouse supporting your dreams, and you theirs, but it really is an incredible feeling. I hope the next few months unfold how we are hoping (and working oh so hard to make possible).

april.

Yesterday was terrible. Not so much for me, it was a beautiful day here in Oklahoma and we got to sleep in, but knowing what happened 1,600 miles away left a bad taste in my mouth all day. I know terrible things happen all the time, but it doesn’t dull the pain. As my kids get older, my sensitivity to the bad in the world grows. My heart aches for everyone involved.

On the other hand, I forget how wonderful April is. It rains, a lot. I can dig my hands into the ground and start planting. Watch the seedlings grow. My irises and azaleas bloom. The neighborhood becomes more alive, more children trickle out of their houses. We spend more time outside than in (and I feel less guilty about ignoring the massive amount of laundry that needs to be folded). 

I’m going to focus on the good aspect of April. It’s time for growth and I could use a lot of that lately. I’ve spent the better part of this year running in circles. And angry. But there is no time for all of the wonderful things if I’m just continually pissed off. 

It’s cloudy and cool today, I’m hoping it rains so we can jump in puddles again. If you need me, I’m the crazy lady in the street enjoying it almost as much as my kid.

our Easter

Easter was....well, it was Easter. A mix of the good and the crazy. We had a lot of fun with it at home this year. Bruce made me watch an episode of Raising Hope this past Wednesday night. I decided I wasn't going to make Penny a basket (I had in years past, even when she was too little to even notice) because she got so much stuff from my mom and grandma. In the episode, their family didn't have a lot of money to celebrate Christmas so they celebrated every little holiday during the year to make up for it. We both cried a little, then ran out and did what every guilty parent does, buys stuff, and prepares to make this Easter the best one yet.

I decided to buy a few things I knew she would like.

• Frog pinwheel. She had one that got obliterated by some strong wind a few weeks ago. She still talks about it, so luckily we found one to replace it with.
• A small shovel and rake. Thank you, $1 bins at Target. Funny though, they seemed more sturdy than the $3.99 ones I found in the actual gardening section.
• It's Easter, Little Critter. She loves the Little Critter books, especially ones like this with flaps.
• Annie's Gummy Bunnies. The only somewhat Easter candy at Target that didn't have food dye besides the chocolate. Luckily, she loves them.
• Chocolate bunny. See above, the other candy without food dye. Plus who doesn't love a chocolate bunny?!
• Beanie baby rabbit. Penelope actually requested a 'beanie baby bunny' from my mom, and they were no where to be found in stores. They sell beanie babies still but they are a newer type with huge eyes and they look slightly alien. I found this one at the bottom of her bag of beanie babies. I don't think she knew that she had it, because she seemed surprised.
• Those three 'baby foods'. Penelope never ate them as a baby, but now at 3.5 they're a 'special treat' when I need her to sit still at the grocery store.

We also got some Easter eggs to do our own egg hunt at home, but Bruce worked Easter morning and by the time he got home it was time to get dressed and go to my grandma's house. But we have them for next year now.

Then we did what we do every year. We rushed around last minute to get us all dressed and looking decent, went to my grandma's house for lunch and an Easter egg hunt, and tried to snap some decent pictures.

We got a few good ones. I was happy.

I made these pants for Hank specifically for Easter about a month ago. Of course, they were already getting too small when Easter rolled around, but I put them on him anyways. 

Both kids had a lot of fun. Penny enjoyed searching for eggs, and Hank clearly loved my cousin's skirt.  

Easter for us adults was good but still, as all holidays in our family, a little crazy. One of my cousin's kids is simply a jerk. She prays on the younger kids, and Penelope is the youngest girl. It gets me really upset and I try not to dwell on it. Luckily one of my cousins has taken up the habit of stealing from everyone's purse and that is a fantastic distraction. The aunt I am closest with, we like to take turns watching him and speculating his next move. I also try to steer clear of heated arguments I don't want to become a part of. It seems as if the older we all get (my mom has 4 sisters and 1 brother, there is a lot of us), the crazier everyone is getting. I wonder if holidays have always been this way, but I was too young or unobservant to notice? All the people who seemed to have it together, I'm now realizing they simply don't. The people who used to be quiet and avoid confrontation, they now speak their minds and lash out once they realize they can't put up with certain things anymore. Holidays might not have that magical feel they did when I was younger, but they are far from boring as an adult.